Whay am I beautiful?

This was started on Xanga (yes, I have a blog ther too), where a blogger told women to post a blog about what makes them beautiful. Here was my entry. (And it would be awesome if anyone who read this, posted their own blog)

What makes me beautiful?

The fact that my inner child will never die.

Meeting Minnie and Mickey at age 20 still held the same awe and magic it did when I was 9.

Being a complete dork with the people I love the most in this world.



They understand me better than anyone.

Being really unique, because what other girl likes to play with spiders?

And last, but not least, my confidence.
I learned to overcome my awkwardness from high school. I was the nerd with straight A's who graduated third of her class, who never really knew how to act around boys and that felt like she had no idea the kind of person she wanted to be.
But now, knowing I can walk into a place, head held high, like I own the place,
whether I'm dressed up and glammed out


or totally natural is what makes me truly beautiful,
because I learned to just accept myself for who I am.




What makes you beautiful??

Don't Lose Faith

In three months, it will mark one year. One entire year. It doesn't even seem that long. Probably because for the first six months, I was pretty numb to everything. I barely remember the spring semester and what I did. I remember small pieces, like certain parts of class or staying late at the library with Silvia and Jackie to study, but as to how I felt about things...I can't remember. Because I never really paid attention, I was afraid if I thought about how I really felt I'd just get sad all over again.

I never really talked about him either. Not afterward. A couple of weeks ago when me and Jess when to Olive Garden, she said, "Wow, we haven't been back here since...you know." She kinda realized where she was going, and didn't want to say anything else. But I knew what she was talking about. It's been like an unspoken rule between us, we don't speak of him, unless I bring it up, otherwise the topic is off limits.

Until recently. I find myself being able to talk about it more easily. Little by little, every day that went by made it easier. I believe everything happens for a reason, and I had yet to find the reason for it. I was patiently waiting. Until I got my answer a few weeks ago. He said he was scared I'd meet someone else, and break his heart, and as much as I hate to admit it, he was right...again. If we were still together, none of "this" would've ever happened. So I'm kinda glad he did the uncomfortable part, instead of me having to do it...haha

I'm afraid it's all going to fall apart though.

And it's not fair that this might get taken away from me too.

Don't lose faith.

Whatever happens, I have to believe that it's gonna be okay in the end. Because that's the only thing that keeps me from going completely insane. No matter what happens, I'll always be eternally grateful that he was brought into my life at a time when I needed someone to restore my faith in humanity and the male gender. In the two months we've known each other, I know more about him than I did after nine months with Adam. And I never felt this comfortable with him. It's ridiculous how different things are.

He doesn't believe I have crazy mood swings. But he's never seen the other, almost broken down side of me. He said, he's never seen it because I'm always in a good mood when I see him. And he's right. He didn't think I kept the heart, but how could I throw it away? I wanted to put it up on my cork board (I have a bunch of stuff tacked to it) but I want to have it with me, somewhere near me. So that every time I see it, I'll be reminded that things work out, one way or another. You just have to have faith that everything will be okay.



What I keep thinking though is, what am I gonna do when I move to California??

Show up for life

There are very few times when I will actually look forward to a class and the best ones are the ones where you have discussions. My favorite class this semester (simply because of the atmosphere) has been my speech class. Now some people would hate it, but being in band for eight years and being in a lot of UIL competitions, I've gotten used to speaking in front of people. I mean, when you have to speak at your graduation, you very quickly get over your fear. Anyway, I love this class because we usually always manage to get into heated discussions. Like today, we had a 30 minute talk about abortion. Oooo, sticky subject, I know, but our teacher was trying to prove a point. She thought it should be legalized and we have a minister (or pastor? one of those) in our class, and as you can expect his views were completely opposite. So this sparked a debate among the class that had this crazy tension in it that you could just feel. Since our next speech has to be persuasive, her point was that when it comes to a speech about values, you shouldn't try to convince people if it's right or wrong, or good or bad, she was simply saying it should be legalized. I'm keeping my opinion about legalizing it out of it, but I'll say that she's right, because no matter how good an argument you have, people will always feel very strongly about any opinions they already have. I'm pro-life, by the way, not that it matters. Anyway, this kind of segued into talking about having opinions and believing in something. She told us we should go vote, even if we don't like anyone, cast the ballot anyway. I totally agree with her, and she said, "Show up for life." I've heard this before, I think, except it was more along the lines of, "Show up for life or it won't show up for you." I believe in getting involved, in anything. In anything you feel passionate about. My family thinks I'm crazy most of the time. Like the time I wanted to go to Austin to protest the reopening of ASARCO. Or like how I made us change to compact fluorescent lightbulbs because I believe global warming is a serious problem and we need to do everything we can. Or like how I hate using styrofoam and prefer to use paper so that it can at least be recycled. Or like how I hate PETA because of their proposed genocide of pit bulls (yeah...did you know that one?) My point, though, is this: I think more people need to get out and try to have their voice heard, no matter what you do, whether you join an organization or post a blog, make a contribution to society because one person can make a difference.

He gave me a heart

Out of paper.
And even though I kinda ruined the moment because I knew what he was making, and I finished half of it, I still thought it was pretty cute. This is the first guy I've really liked since my ex and I broke up in January. Even though it was a really hard relationship to get over, I have hope for wherever this new one might go. For once, I feel like I can totally be myself around a guy and the fact that we're both dorks makes it even better. We'll see where this new adventure takes me; I'll keep you updated.
Here's the heart and me trying to be a photographer

Collected Pieces

Never ending laughs and silly smiles,
chilly evenings and moving pictures on a screen.
With miles of highway in between,
and lanes of traffic rushing to get by.

All day long car rides to nowhere,
watching the scenery fly through the window.
Late twilight walks through an empty park,
talking of past, present and future lives.

Daily conversations and early morning good nights,
memories of a time that is now dead.
The same and different all in one,
let's start over clean this time.

Keep moving forward and don't look back,
mistakes were made and lessons learned.
Time is forgetful and always forgiving,
because second chances are all we're waiting for.

I'm gonna drive until I break down.

Seriously.
It was just one of those days, when on the drive home I contemplated just going over the side of the freeway.
Suicidal?
Nah, just a brief moment of weakness. I did think about just driving and driving until I ran out of gas, but seeing as to how I only had 1/4 of a tank of gas, I probably would've gotten to about...oh maybe Alamogordo. It was one of those days where it just really frustrated me to live here, and not for any particular reason. I'm just sick of it. It's so hard to go anywhere in this city without being reminded of something or someone. Yeah, I'll admit it, I'm leaving because I'm running away. From what? From everything. From every single memory I would rather forget. Do you know how long I avoided the east side because of...yeah, you know? This place is so small, pretty soon, I won't be able to go anywhere, as if it isn't bad enough as it is. I feel like every year that I have to stay here suffocates me a little more every time. I don't know what it is, okay I do, I'd just rather not say, that has made my having to leave an ABSOLUTE MUST! But I'll hold it in till I have to for the short two little years that I have left here. Then it'll be on to something new and a brand new start where I will finally be able to put this place behind me.

Scribbld Numbers

Write it down,
write it up.
Scrawl it on my arm,
or jot it down on a note,
these seven numbers,
a picture isn't the only thing
that can speak a thousand words.
Subtlety is vital,
it's for help,
it's for just in case,
the true reason never revealed.
A hidden message,
shaded in numbers,
masquerading as innocence.
Scribbled on paper,
typed on a screen.
Let's exchange these digits
and never mention the truth,
the secret of what they mean
buried beneath the ink.

Answering the age old question: Can you be friends with an ex?

I always thought the answer to this question was yes, but recent events have led me to think that I might have been wrong. Here's the situation, I dated this guy in high school, let's call him J, and we only went out for 4 months (very short, I know, but it was high school). I broke up with him because I graduated (he was younger) and I didn't want to start a new chapter of my life, college, with such strong ties to high school. I pretty much just wanted a clean slate to work with. Start over brand new. Plus, I didn't really see a future, but at 18, who does? Needless to say, he had fallen in love with me, but was very understanding about the break up and we decided to stay friends. That was two years ago, and now I think of him as one of my best friends. You should know that a best friend to me is someone I can really trust, and being the only guy in my life who has never hurt me, I have come to really trust him. Up until a few weeks ago, maybe the last couple months, things started getting a bit uncomfortable. He never hid the fact that he never totally got over me and that he's pretty much still in love with me. He's had maybe 5 or 6 other girlfriends since we broke up, none lasting more than a few months. Being an overprotective best friend, I never really liked his girlfriends (not out of jealousy, but because he really does pick bad girls to go out with), except for the one he's currently with. At least until a couple of months ago. There was a herpes scare, I won't go into details, but he was scared he might have Herpes Simplex I because of a child at his work (he works at a daycare). Turns out, it was just a scare and he was fine, but when his girlfriend found out, she broke up with him. Aside from the fact that she had already cheated on him, this was what made me really not like her, that she supposedly loves him, but breaks up with him when there's a slight bump in the road. She's kind of immature and a little slutty. Anyway, I really thought this girl could be the one to finally make him get over me, but since she cheated on him, she kinda lost it. ALL of his girlfriend have cheated on him. I never did, which is one of the reasons he says I was the perfect girlfriend. Anyway, we've been hanging out quite a bit, not alone though. I hang out with my best friend Jessica, and since her and J work in the same place, he usually tags along. I never really minded it until he started to come on a little strongly. He'd always flirted with me but up until recently, it really started making me uncomfortable. He'll put his arm around me or things like that, and I really don't like anyone to do that unless we're in a relationship or dating.
I have told him numerous times that I only see him as a friend, that I love him to death, but I'm not in love with him. I have made my feelings very clear. Sometimes, it really gets to me, that I start getting bitchy, and then he says he's sorry, but that he doesn't know how to stop, blah, blah, blah. Short of taking some time apart from each other, I really don't know what to do. He's an amazing person, but he's just a friend, and I know that I in no way feel any romantic feelings for him at all. Somehow, though, this message just isn't getting through to his head, and I'm afraid that if he doesn't stop, I'll have to put our friendship on hold because it really is getting ridiculous. My theory is that since we went from being together to being friends in such a short time, he never really had time to get over me. Since I broke up with him, I was already over him, but I guess he got the short end of the stick on this one.
So help me, what should I do? Stay friends and hope he gets the message? Or take some time off so he can get the chance to get over me?

No help for the skinny girl

In the short journey (till now), that is my life, I have come to several realizations that most people don't come to until it's too late. One of these, happens to be the importance of one's health. For the past few years I have tried, without success, to gain weight so that I may be at a healthy weight. Maybe I'm just not trying hard enough, but sometimes, things just get in they way, usually school, and I just lose my focus. Instead of eating right, I just grab anything that'll fill me up so I can get back to studying. Anyway, in this little adventure of mine that has been going on since high school, I have spent countless hours researching ways of gaining weight but in way that is healthy. Seem like a paradox? Yeah, it pretty much is. Trying to avoid going to a dietitian (no health insurance), I've tries searching online for websites that would give me, something like a plan to help me out. I recently noticed that Yahoo! had added a new health section. I noticed a part that calculated your BMI, so I tried it out, turns out my BMI is 16. Did I forget to mention I'm 5'6" and weigh less than 100 pounds?? No, I'm not anorexic, nor do I have any other eating disorder, just a very fast metabolism. Anyway, this part of the website is meant to help with your diet, but when I put in my weight goal of 110, it very kindly told me that, "We regret, however, that we are not yet able to prescribe a diet plan that makes you put on weight." So, because I'm on the opposite side of the spectrum, what, I get bubkis? Just because everyone and their mom seems to want to lose weight, it does not mean that it applies to everyone. Hopefully, sometime soon, there will be help for the skinny underweight ones, who like the overweight people, are only hoping to reach a weight for themselves that is healthy.

Kids are spoiled rotten these days...

And I'd have to say that I'm one of them...

This little thought occurred to me a few weeks ago. A couple of months ago, while watching a movie on The Wonderful World of Disney (yeah I'm 20 and still watch kid movies, and what?), I realized that I really wanted to go to Disneyland. So, I brought up the thought to my mom, I just asked her if we could go, kinda kidding but not really. She said, "Maybe." With my mom, maybe means maybe. So a couple of weeks later, sometime last month, my mom asked me, "Do you still want to go to Disneyland?" I said, "Duh!" So we started planning, and by the looks of it, we're going next month. It got me thinking that all I had to do was ask my mom once, and she agreed. Keep in mind, I've been there twice already, but felt like going again. Me and my brother aren't spoiled in the way that you'd think. My parents do not pay for my college, or my gas, or my insurance or my phone. If I ever wanted anything after I graduated from high school (clothes, electronics, etc.), I had to get for myself, and still do, including my education. When I was in grade school, a straight A report card would get me: a whole $20! Not 20 per A, 20 in total. Yet growing up, when it came to traveling, my parents were more than happy to shell out a few bucks. I can't count the number of times I've been to California, and I've also been to Las Vegas and Reno and about anywhere else here in the southwest, and we've also been on a 7 day cruise to Mexico. Trips aside, my mom bought my brother and me a flat screen tv for Christmas (not one for each, but one for the living room to play our video games on). My mom always told us that she always wanted to give her kids all the things she didn't have (and she didn't have much), and it got me wondering if parents really want better for their children? And to what lengths will the parents go to make sure their kids have a memorable childhood? And do you think that all these rewards could be screwing up my brother and me? Remember though, we're both high school graduates, going to college and except for a car accident, neither one of us has ever been in trouble with the law, or involved with drugs. So if this is the outcome of spoiling your children, is it really all that bad? (My mom was very strict on us growing up and still kind of is, even now)

I may be 20, but I still feel 10 sometimes, which spawned the Disney idea. Next year we're supposed to be going to Las Vegas again because I turn 21, but now we're talking about going to Italy...I wonder which one we'll end up going to...

Inside and Out

With your head in the lights,
and the lights always off,
don't lose the exit sign.

Follow the arrows
hidden within your memory,
it's not just another train,
it's your escape.

Like an old blanket
it snuggles you in its darkness.
The arrows slowly fading
as you sink deeper underground.

Filled with rainbows and butterflies,
it's easier on the inside.
The clouds and rain here
would bring anyone down.

This is the reality
and you've only got one chance.
Clouds will clear away,
but time won't wait.

The arrows will brighten
and the rain will cool you off,
the fluorescent exit sign is your hope
and the light only you can turn off.

SOWISA, babyluv

Strap on whenever it seems appropriate.
Lisey's Story.
It was so far removed from what normal Stephen King books are like, but damn, I think out of all the ones I've read, it's now my favorite. So, it wasn't classic, horror Stephen King, but he's still a brilliant writer. This book has everything, mystery, suspense, a little horror, love, and you know I'm a sucker for a good love story. It was weird cause even though you know Scott is dead, the scene where she's remembering the day he died made me cry. It really is a good book though, and Boo'ya Moon was probably my favorite part of it. I think in some way we all drink from that pool. That each of us has a place we visit when we need to heal, maybe not physically, but emotionally. And the sayings Scott and Lisey had were awesome. I think my favorite was, "Everything the same." Oh oh, and "Bool! The End." The bools, man. Oh man. And you gotta watch out for the bad gunky. The blood bools were especially freaky, but once you knew the story, they made sense. The part where the really bad gunky got Scott's brother, Paul, was really sad. You didn't know if you should believe what was happening, but when it's Stephen King, of course you believe it. This was like a realistic fantasy, it was so strange, but I loved it anyway.

Speaking of fantasy, I also read The Elves of Cintra. Now I have to wait till August for the last book. This is why I hate reading series that aren't finished! It was really good though, but I mean, it's Terry Brooks, of course it's good. I realized that I have read 14 of his books. I'm missing the Kingdom of Landover series, though, and about two of the series for Shannara. I wanna get the "graphic novel" only because I wanna see pictures of what all the stuff is supposed to look like. My imagination only goes so far and most of the characters are modeled after the LOTR movies...

It feels so nice to just read and read and read. I've read like five books already since getting out of school, but then I miss school. I'm getting bored! Seriously...I need something to do, but the good thing is, I go back in a week. And back to the gym! whoo! I'm starting to feel fat. hahaha jk =]

Serious Road Rage and Fungus...

just thought I'd share...

I'm planning on moving to Cali in two years and while I do highly dislike the city I live in, one thing I'll miss, is the sunsets. So I thought I'd share a few.

Middle School Theory

The other day I was talking to a friend and somehow we usually get to talking about middle school, since that's our friendship started. In middle school, we hung out as a group of about 7 of us, I think. When we went off to high school, we ended up splitting up into about 3 different schools and we just sort of lost touch with each other. My friend told me that one of our friends mom had asked her why she was friends with her? She told me she had said that she really didn't know the answer to that. She's right, I thought about it and I couldn't really come up with an answer for why we were friends then.

So here's my theory: I think in middle school, junior high, whatever you call it, I think a lot of us where scared of being alone since we'd heard horror stories in elementary school about people getting picked on. So once we found a few people that would even have us, we hung on for dear life and never let go. Sure we got along pretty good, but we were separated even within our group. We each had our closer friends even if we were all friends together. I think we were just happy to belong somewhere and happy that we weren't the loser without any friends that we just took whoever we could get. Under promises of being friends forever that never lasted, our friendship with each other was very superficial. It was a good friendship only on the outside, because to be honest, I didn't trust any of those girls and I lost touch with most of them once I got into my own groove in high school. When I see them today, except for a few exceptions who I did stay good friends with, we exchange the normal pleasantries and it even feels awkward at times, but it's obvious that neither one would mind if the friendship was lost.

Personally, middle school for me was one of the harder parts of life. I wasn't picked on a lot or anything but...it's hard to explain, guess you just had to be me to see it. I rather not remember what happened then because it brings back memories of a shy 12 and 13 year old girl who felt extremely awkward. So when I have friends that come back from that time, it kinda leaves me with a sour taste in my mouth which is why I'd just as soon not talk to most of those "best friends forever."

Ah, nothing's better than a good dinner

I love to cook, but sometimes it's hard to find cookbooks that have simple recipes and don't require a lot of fancy ingredients. I find one called "Minute Meals, 20 Minute Gourmet Menus." I found a recipe for Tortellini with vegetables in a cream sauce. I tried it tonight and OH MY GOD, it was good! Sometimes my attempts at dinner don't come out too good. Like the time I made a spinach and artichoke casserole...yeah that didn't go over too well...but this actually came out good. Something I would actually eat (I'm a very picky eater). Anyway, it was just nice to have a good dinner with a nice Italian side salad and crusty bread. Yeah, just wanted to share that and the book, which so far is my favorite (I have three cookbooks so far). So if you need some ideas on something good to cook, I'd definitely recommend it.

boom headshot!

I've become quite addicted to Resident Evil 4, and it's probably only because it's the one I can actually PASS! I didn't really like the controls for Code: Veronica X, it seems like it's just wasting time and I got stuck on Outbreak on the Hive, I think, because the stupid leech man kept killing me! (I'm doing a lot of yelling) Anyway! haha I found out you can kill the leech man, so maybe I'll get back on that. In the meantime, I'm gonna try to pass RE4 because I hardly ever play games and go through them entirely. I did get all the way to the middle of Parasite Eve, but I only had the first disc, which really sucked cause it was an awesome game. One day, I'll finish it. The other thing I like about RE4 is that it's a lot easier than most, there aren't a lot of riddles that take forever to solve, and I like the camera angle and how Leon is always right on the front. The thing that kinda bummed me out was there are NO ZOMBIES!! There's non-zombies, I think that's what the general public calls them...they act like zombies, but they aren't really undead, they're just being controlled. While I'm on the subject of RE4, I found this walkthrough on youtube and I've become quite addicted to them. The guy that does them adds his own little commentary, they're hilarious. I don't wanna keep watching cause I've gotten past the part where I'm at right now, and I don't wanna know what happens....

So there's my...um...RE4 thingy...idea...whatever. Now to the real issues! Oh wait...I don't have any haha. This past Saturday (I'm writing this Monday) I went out with two of my most favorite people, Jessica and Justin! We went and saw Horton Hears a Who, which was a great movie (but still doesn't beat Finding Nemo), and we went to dinner at Denny's. They took fuckin FOREVER because there was a party of like 30 people there and they had to "take care of them." Pfft. How lame do you have to be to have a party at Denny's? Seriously. It was really fun though and Justin stuck a fry up his nose...then ATE IT!! Gross... haha And we talked about endless, endless bullshit. I forgot most of what we talked about, but I remember most of it involved sex. Why do my friends' conversations revolve around that? Oh right...we're perverts. I had a bloody good time though, it was what I really needed after those two weeks of school. I'm soooo happy to be on spring break, even if I already am bored out of my mind, it's nice because it hasn't happened in a really long time. Back to the other thing. We took a picture, and here it is

It was a great day, I had an awesome time. Sometimes I forget how amazing my friends are and how great it feels when I'm with them.

Quick school update, because this is getting rather long. This semester has been HARD. I would gladly go through last semester again, and those that know me, know what a tough time I had with it, but this is like that semester to the max! It sucks balls, but thankfully it's almost over, just gotta get through April and finals! THEN! Two more little years and I'll be in CALI! And THAT is what I'm really looking forward to. Anyway, it's good to have friends to study with, I think we've created a group of about 5 to study for chem and micro. For some reason, when you study with other people it really helps. I have a lab report due the Wednesday we go back, I should probably get started on that... and an exam on Tuesday. We agreed we would study for that because no one shows up to class! Except me! And for some reason, I understand it, so I can explain it to the other thingys...people. haha. As for chem, we'll see how that goes and oddly enough, I think I understand cal 2 better than cal 1. Maybe it was the teacher, but I get it better.

ANYWAY! I think that's all I had to say. ALL? That was a lot, but I haven't done one of my random blog updates in a while where I just babble on and on as stuff pops into my head, kinda like I'm doing right now. Ok, I'll stop. Later, hookers.

books and puppies

Roadside Silhouettes

Passing street lamps on a road to nowhere,
they fade to the distance just like these memories.

I'll just drive west with no end point in mind,
until this city is far behind.
Holding on to smiles and laughs,
our silence is why we're both to blame.

You say it's not my fault,
but the look in your heart tells a different story.
Let's make a deal,
I'll keep pretending I'm okay,
if you keep saying you really cared.

I'll keep driving and singing to songs,
with each passing horizon
it gets easier because you were right,
I deserve better than this.

First Post.

I was watching a bunch of those "vlog" videos on youtube and I realized I just missed writing. I've kept a diary since I was about...maybe 10 or 11 years old, and I've always liked to write I just kinda stopped doing it. I'd go to live journal but it seems too high school. All my posts from there are pointless teenage chatter. Much like this except it's college chatter. Oh yeah. I might also do a few of those video blogs, we'll see how that goes....
Anyhoo, my brother told me Metallica was playing at the Bonnaroo festival and I really wanted to go, until he told me the tickets are about $250. So there goes that idea. I'm putting it on my life's to do list, "see Metallica." They're the first rock/metal band I started listening to. Me and my brother. He's that one that showed me some of their songs and the band has been one of those things we've always shared. So I was kinda bummed to know that I won't be able to see them this time, but I will one day.
So it's pretty late and I've run out of things to say, so I guess it's goodnight for now.