Don't Lose Faith

In three months, it will mark one year. One entire year. It doesn't even seem that long. Probably because for the first six months, I was pretty numb to everything. I barely remember the spring semester and what I did. I remember small pieces, like certain parts of class or staying late at the library with Silvia and Jackie to study, but as to how I felt about things...I can't remember. Because I never really paid attention, I was afraid if I thought about how I really felt I'd just get sad all over again.

I never really talked about him either. Not afterward. A couple of weeks ago when me and Jess when to Olive Garden, she said, "Wow, we haven't been back here since...you know." She kinda realized where she was going, and didn't want to say anything else. But I knew what she was talking about. It's been like an unspoken rule between us, we don't speak of him, unless I bring it up, otherwise the topic is off limits.

Until recently. I find myself being able to talk about it more easily. Little by little, every day that went by made it easier. I believe everything happens for a reason, and I had yet to find the reason for it. I was patiently waiting. Until I got my answer a few weeks ago. He said he was scared I'd meet someone else, and break his heart, and as much as I hate to admit it, he was right...again. If we were still together, none of "this" would've ever happened. So I'm kinda glad he did the uncomfortable part, instead of me having to do it...haha

I'm afraid it's all going to fall apart though.

And it's not fair that this might get taken away from me too.

Don't lose faith.

Whatever happens, I have to believe that it's gonna be okay in the end. Because that's the only thing that keeps me from going completely insane. No matter what happens, I'll always be eternally grateful that he was brought into my life at a time when I needed someone to restore my faith in humanity and the male gender. In the two months we've known each other, I know more about him than I did after nine months with Adam. And I never felt this comfortable with him. It's ridiculous how different things are.

He doesn't believe I have crazy mood swings. But he's never seen the other, almost broken down side of me. He said, he's never seen it because I'm always in a good mood when I see him. And he's right. He didn't think I kept the heart, but how could I throw it away? I wanted to put it up on my cork board (I have a bunch of stuff tacked to it) but I want to have it with me, somewhere near me. So that every time I see it, I'll be reminded that things work out, one way or another. You just have to have faith that everything will be okay.



What I keep thinking though is, what am I gonna do when I move to California??

Show up for life

There are very few times when I will actually look forward to a class and the best ones are the ones where you have discussions. My favorite class this semester (simply because of the atmosphere) has been my speech class. Now some people would hate it, but being in band for eight years and being in a lot of UIL competitions, I've gotten used to speaking in front of people. I mean, when you have to speak at your graduation, you very quickly get over your fear. Anyway, I love this class because we usually always manage to get into heated discussions. Like today, we had a 30 minute talk about abortion. Oooo, sticky subject, I know, but our teacher was trying to prove a point. She thought it should be legalized and we have a minister (or pastor? one of those) in our class, and as you can expect his views were completely opposite. So this sparked a debate among the class that had this crazy tension in it that you could just feel. Since our next speech has to be persuasive, her point was that when it comes to a speech about values, you shouldn't try to convince people if it's right or wrong, or good or bad, she was simply saying it should be legalized. I'm keeping my opinion about legalizing it out of it, but I'll say that she's right, because no matter how good an argument you have, people will always feel very strongly about any opinions they already have. I'm pro-life, by the way, not that it matters. Anyway, this kind of segued into talking about having opinions and believing in something. She told us we should go vote, even if we don't like anyone, cast the ballot anyway. I totally agree with her, and she said, "Show up for life." I've heard this before, I think, except it was more along the lines of, "Show up for life or it won't show up for you." I believe in getting involved, in anything. In anything you feel passionate about. My family thinks I'm crazy most of the time. Like the time I wanted to go to Austin to protest the reopening of ASARCO. Or like how I made us change to compact fluorescent lightbulbs because I believe global warming is a serious problem and we need to do everything we can. Or like how I hate using styrofoam and prefer to use paper so that it can at least be recycled. Or like how I hate PETA because of their proposed genocide of pit bulls (yeah...did you know that one?) My point, though, is this: I think more people need to get out and try to have their voice heard, no matter what you do, whether you join an organization or post a blog, make a contribution to society because one person can make a difference.

He gave me a heart

Out of paper.
And even though I kinda ruined the moment because I knew what he was making, and I finished half of it, I still thought it was pretty cute. This is the first guy I've really liked since my ex and I broke up in January. Even though it was a really hard relationship to get over, I have hope for wherever this new one might go. For once, I feel like I can totally be myself around a guy and the fact that we're both dorks makes it even better. We'll see where this new adventure takes me; I'll keep you updated.
Here's the heart and me trying to be a photographer

Collected Pieces

Never ending laughs and silly smiles,
chilly evenings and moving pictures on a screen.
With miles of highway in between,
and lanes of traffic rushing to get by.

All day long car rides to nowhere,
watching the scenery fly through the window.
Late twilight walks through an empty park,
talking of past, present and future lives.

Daily conversations and early morning good nights,
memories of a time that is now dead.
The same and different all in one,
let's start over clean this time.

Keep moving forward and don't look back,
mistakes were made and lessons learned.
Time is forgetful and always forgiving,
because second chances are all we're waiting for.